At the end of it all..

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen" (Ephesians 3:20-21).

Who can know why God gives us a heart and passion for certain ministries except by the stirring of the Holy Spirit in our hearts?

After undoubtedly one of the most challenging six weeks of my life, I can only praise Him from whom all blessings flow.

When I readily signed up for this camp earlier this February, I only knew that Promise Camp was where He was leading me for the summer. I only knew that His way was perfect and although I didn't understand why I would be working at a camp the summer of my junior year as a business major, I decided to follow His calling. At that point, I was ready to admit that all my life I had consulted my own wisdom and had done things my way. Needless to say, leaning on my own understanding resulted in many poor choices. Making the leap of faith, I finally arrived at Promise Camp, unaware of the hardships that I would have to endure. I came simply excited at what God was going to do through me but never once did it occur that these six weeks would be challenging as well as rewarding.

Physical injuries, mental breakdowns and spiritual attacks were part of the six weeks at Promise Camp. Yet God always attends to us when we are at our most vulnerable state, doesn't he? I have never felt His presence closer, His grace stronger and His power more awesome than I had in these last six weeks.

In the process of breaking me down and rebuilding me, He also worked through me to share the gospel, lead young girls to Christ, share my testimony and sow seeds into the hearts of the children at Promise Camp. My heart broke for many of these girls and God showed me how stone-hearted I had been to the needy. The power of the gospel, the power of prayer and the power of God's ministry worked at this camp to bring us to tears as we saw the fruit of our labor done through the strength of Jesus in us.

As I prepared to work at Promise Camp last semester, I asked God that he would work mightily in the hearts of the children for them to accept Him and live for Him. God has done immeasurably more than all we asked for imagine by challenging and shaping us counselors as faithful warriors for Him. I asked God to use me. He stretched and overwhelmed me as he shaped me as His vessel. I asked God to work in the lives of the children. He showed me personally how He had touched these girls' hearts.

How great is his love for us! How He loves us as his children! How He is pleased when we make sacrifices for Him in His name! How greater is He than our comfort, our pleasure and our possessions! How precious and beautiful are the sufferings and trials God allows in our lives for those He has loved and chosen!

These six weeks have been an amazing adventure coupling ministry and a 40 day devotional book I finished today. Written by David Nasser, a converted Muslim, "A Call to Die" challenges its readers to live a fulfilling adventure with Jesus by dying to our selfish desires and living for Him. When we trust in the LORD, who knows where He will take us? To what mountains, deserts, and to what people? Adventuring into the unknown with a trusted companion - isn't this the wish of every wild hearted traveler? I may have just encountered the beauty of Clinton, PA and bonded with my new inner-city family, but I am excited to see where God will lead me next and to what people group.

To those who have prayed for Promise Camp and kept up with my blog: thank you so much for your love, encouragement and prayers. I never knew how a kindhearted phone call or the simple words of "I've been praying for you" can help and mean so much in a time of distress and need. Thank you for blessing me with your love.

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is he love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God" (Ephesians 3:16-19).

Peaceful Jesus?

Thank you for those who prayed for me and Miss S this weekend. I am grateful that I can walk on my ankles today with a brace. And my stomach feels a bit better. Yesterday I was not able to eat anything but today I could down some applesauce and Graham crackers without having to rush to the bathroom every two hours (sorry for this gross detail!).

God clearly spoke to me yesterday that I should speak to Miss S about John 14:6 and how the Muslim and the Christian church were not the same thing. I was first afraid because I valued my friendship with Miss S and I was afraid that she would think I was judging or criticizing her if I told her the truth. Also, imagine it how you would feel if I told you that if your mom was going to a Muslim church every Saturday, that the Bible says that she was going to hell! I certainly wouldn't want to hear it and would not appreciate it if I were in S's shoes. Well, I didn't put it exactly like that but God gave me the words to say to her this afternoon. Before I spoke with her, God gave me an encouraging word in Matthew 10:36. Jesus claims, "Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn
" 'a man against his father,
a daughter against her mother,
a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law -
a man's enemies will be the members of his own household.'"

Sometimes we think that Jesus came to this world as a peacemaker but the truth of the matter is that when we decide to stand up for Jesus, there will be oppositions from our family, friends and other relationships. Jesus says "Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me" (Matt 10:37). Wow. What powerful words! It is amazing how God revealed this passage to me today as I pondered whether telling S the truth about Jesus would jeopardize our friendship.

I didn't want to put my friendship with S above my obedience to Christ to proclaim his truth. It was hard for me to confront S but I did take her to a private place and God gave me wise words to say. I told her that I loved her and did not want to judge or criticize her. At the same time, what she said about the Muslim and the Christian church being last week bothered me. I told her that Jesus claimed that He was the way and the truth and the life. Muslims do not believe this.

Her reaction was... neutral. She seemed to not care and to be preoccupied with other things. She didn't hate me, which is always good, but didn't seem too thrilled either.

Please keep Miss S in your prayers if you remember her. She is a lovely girl but seems to be a bit confused. I love her and would like to see her come to Christ and have her life changed.

The last week of Promise Camp officially begins today! I'm thankful that God has given me the strength to make it thus far. I cannot wait to be with my family at my house this coming Saturday. Please keep the children and the counselors in your prayer as we finish out the fifth week of Promise Camp!

2 Timothy 4:7
"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."

During one of our Bible study on Hebrews 11, our girls and I stumbled upon a topic of different denominations. Usually Bible studies are led by senior and junior counselors, which means only Miss Blair and I lead the girls in studying God's Word. Miss S-, one of the support staff, was there on that day because I had sprained my ankle and she was filling in for some of my tasks, such as escorting the girls to the bathrooms and helping them take showers.

When we stumbled upon the subject of different denomination, Miss Blair said that Christians should not let different denominations confuse us or make us think that other Christians are going to hell because they belong to a different denomination. Miss S-, who had been listening the entire time, said "Yeah, like my mom goes to a Muslim church every Saturday and they believe in the same God. As long as we all worship the same God, it's ok." I kind of cringed and looked at her. Then Miss Blaire quickly said to the girls, "We have to worship the same Jesus. If you think that worshiping a palm tree will get you to heaven, you will be wrong. As long as the all the denominations believe in the message Jesus proclaims, they are saved."

I had not had the time or the courage to address Miss. S that her beliefs were wrong. I don't want her to go back home and think that going to a Muslims church is the same as going to a Christian church. I debated on whether I should address this topic to her and decided that I was too afraid to do it. Today, God clearly showed me John 14:6 in the scriptures where Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." I immediately thought of Miss S.

To frankly put it, I am afraid to confront her. I don't want her to think that I am judging or criticizing her. I just want to show her the truth. I think that God wants me to speak to her and show her the truth but I am afraid to. If this is what He wants, I will obey. But please pray for courage and wisdom for me as I address Miss S some time tomorrow or this week. She is an amazing girl but is lost. I want her to know Jesus so badly. Pride and fear of rejection is getting in the way for me to speak to her. Please keep me in prayers this weekend so I can speak to her in truth and in love.

Not About Me.

It has been a while since God has taught me that to live effectively for His kingdom, I must die to myself. This has been a hard lesson for me to swallow as all my life I have been selfish. I still disgust myself by my own selfishness. I can remember the days when I could spend $200 myself without giving it any thought. I didn't matter that my parents were working hard to pay for my tuition in college or that my brother needed a new pair of shoes. My paycheck was mine and I spent it however way I wanted. My selfish nature didn't only affect my spending pattern either. My thoughts were about myself and my time was about working for my own glory and agenda.

God has been gentle in draining the selfish poison out of me. He didn't convict my heart all at once to show me how some things in my life were displeasing to him. Slowly, he convicted little things, patterns, behaviors and thoughts that were centered on me. Looking back, I can't imagine how I lived the way I had when my life was all about me. I don't want to go back to the things that I thought defined me.

This week, God showed me that He wasn't done with me just yet. After boldly thinking that giving money, time and energy to Him and His people was a enough selfless act to please Him, God still pointed out more things I was holding onto for myself and deriving joy from. After allowing me to badly sprain my ankle and rely on crutches for moving, and allowing a stomach virus that made me hungry, sick and depressed, God showed me I'm still far from perfect when it comes to taking up my cross. I still loved my health more than God and received joy from taking care of MYSELF and not the things of His kingdom.

How does one rejoice even when his or health is gone? How can I still perform the duties that God has assigned me when physical discomfort overwhelms me?

Like I mentioned in my last post, I'm ashamed at my negative attitude and sorrow I had about staying at Promise Camp. As I sought God's will, it became clear that He wanted me to stay and persevere at Promise Camp with a badly sprained ankle and a stomach virus. By His grace, I made it through the week but not with a great attitude.

God did use me despite my broken ankle to share my testimony to the whole camp, use me as a personal example in Bible study and minister to the girls as they broke down in experiencing God's love. On Thursday, the camp director invited one male and female counselors share their testimonies with the entire camp. My heart started pounding as I felt God saying, "Go tell your story." As I hopped over to the stage on my crutches, I felt extremely nervous yet strangely peaceful. God gave me the perfect words to say although I had not prepared for the testimony at all.

I told the camp that growing up I battled with insecurity. Instead of believing God, I believed in my looks. Instead of relying on God, I relied on my looks. I thought that looking great was a way to a man's heart. I think every woman asks the question of "Am I beautiful?" and that is normal. For me, though, the question possessed me. Growing up, I always wanted my father to notice me and to tell me that I was beautiful. He never affirmed this to me which left me heartbroken. The summer before I entered college, I fell into a severe eating disorder which almost killed me. Instead of sending me to a hospital, God sent me mentors, friends, and on a mission trip to Vietnam to finally convince me that I should not focus so much on myself. I slowly overcame my eating disorder and can say that He has freed me from this disease. God, in His love, told me that "The LORD does not look at the things that man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." (1 Samuel 16:7)

When I accepted my position at Promise Camp, I shared my testimony with the director not knowing at the time that the theme of the Camp was "Are you a 10?" "Are you a 10?" refers to the scale of physical beauty we use to rate others. We may say "she's a 6" or "he's a 4" depending on the person's level of attractiveness. The theme of this Camp is 1 Samuel 16:7 and that God does not care for the world's scale of 1-10. Instead, when we accept Jesus into our hearts, Jesus makes us a 10 by making our weaknesses strength when we abide by His words.

My testimony tied together with the camp theme. And at the conclusion of my testimony, I looked at the girls side of the camp and addressed them. "Girls, I know that in life there will be a time when you think looks is everything. But a man will not fall in love with you for your looks. A true man of God will see that you have a heart for Jesus and that is why he should come to treasure and cherish you."

It's amazing how God has used my testimony on eating disorder and insecurity to touch the lives of so many girls so far. I know that during week 1, I shared my testimony to my cabin and one of my girls told me that she had struggled with the disorder because someone called her fat. Or after my testimony was over, one of my girls, Savanna, told me that she had struggled with a similar experience.

Another way God used me on my crutches was through our cabin Bible study. In studying Hebrews 11, my junior counselor and I reminded our girls that in life God will test our faith and tell us to do something that may seem crazy to us at the time. When we stick with it, He will honor our obedience and bless us. I got to use my own personal example in the Bible study as I told my girls that my family and some of the counselors believed that it was absurd I would stay at Promise Camp even though I was on crutches. But I believed that God was calling me to stay and I obeyed although I desired to go home myself. The girls looked at me intently and I could see that they were thinking. I hope that through seeing my examples, the girls were inspired to live out their faith in the inner-city where they may be called fools for believing in God.

The third amazing thing that happened this week was how our camp director called the counselors to pray with our cabin after one worship service. We gathered together in a circle and I asked that God will show these girls right now how much He loved them. I prayed that God will touch them with His love. As I prayed this and for their lives individually, two of my girls started shaking and crying. My junior counselor and I also started crying as well. We couldn't deny that God was working in this place and in the hearts of my girls.

God did use me in a mighty way this week despite my sprained ankle. I cannot lie and say that I have been rejoicing despite my state in doing God's ministry. But as my brother kindly reminded me over a text message: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds" (James 1:2).

In the end, contentment and peace resides in the fact that it is not about me. It's true that God is shaping me as His vessel at this camp, this experience this summer has been all about these children and how their lives were touched. Anything that hinders my hard-laboring for these children is a distraction. Any discontentment that takes root in my heart because of how MY needs were not met is just.. so selfish.

So this entry was sort of a confession/repentance. To be sure, God did use me this week in a mighty way, but also convicted me of my stubborn selfishness in my heart.

Father, it is not my good health that brings joy and contentment. Although these are blessings in my life, I will still praise your name even when these are taken away from me. Let your name be glorified through my life! May I have a heart to REJOICE in persecution, trials and testing of my faith. Thank you that you love me enough to sustain me through these periods in my life. I love you.

Obeying Jesus

Beginning of this week, our assistant camp director challenged the counselors to come up with a phrase that would describe what kind of things we would get to God. For example, he said that he would "dig through mountains" or "claw down a tree" if it meant he could be with Jesus. I came up with this poem to describe what I would do for Jesus. The poem ended up being a real convicting message to myself because if I am willing to do these kinds of things to get to Jesus, why was I complaining and being discouraged about my sprained ankle? This week definitely was a challenging week and many times I retreated to a quiet place, begging God to take me home. I did make it through the week and I wish I could say that my attitude was great. Truth of the matter is that it wasn't. By the end of the week, I could no longer take my sore arms, feeling helpless and unable to do many basic things I could do on my healthy ankle. I was frustrated by my inability to even walk to the bathroom or to the shower by myself. But looking back God did use me in a mighty way this week despite my sprained ankle by leading the girls in Bible studies and sharing my testimony in front of the entire camp.

In Bible study our cabin talked about Hebrews 11 on how only through faith we can please God. Faith isn't just an abstract concept where we passively believe about something. Truth faith manifests itself in actions. We told our girls that sometimes God may ask us to do absurd things that people may tease and mock you for. My brilliant and wonderful junior counselor, Blair, usually helps me lead the girls in Bible study and provide great examples. Blair told the girls about Noah's ark and how when he was building the ark, many people ridiculed him. Noah continued to obey despite what he or the world thought was sane and in the end was saved from the flood. I got to offer a personal example to the girls by telling them that when I badly sprained my ankle on Tuesday, my family and some of the counselors thought it was absurd that I stayed back at Promise Camp. What will a counselor do on a crutches? Well, this ended up being a great example because I could share with my girls that by faith I did an absurd thing of staying back in Promise Camp and obeying God. In the end, I believe God honored my obedience through providing this personal and perfect example for our study of faith in Bible study. Not only that, I had the chance to share my testimony in front of the entire camp and witness some of my girls breakdown by the love of Jesus. I'll write more about it in detail this weekend. Meanwhile, here is the poem God gave me the chance to share with the camp.

I'm willing to jump in the fire
if it means obeying Jesus.
I'm willing to fill my lungs with water
if it means obeying Jesus.
I'm willing to starve and thirst
for the sake of obeying Jesus
I'm wiling to suffer humiliation, mutilation
for the sake of obeying Jesus.

People say I'm a crazy
lunatic, a Jesus Freak.
Taking my faith to seriously.
But I ask,
What is the point of believing
if it doesn't cost you anything, really?

Isn't destroying your life with lies,
sex, alcohol and drugs, or worse, slowly
choking yourself with wealth and selfishness
worse than dying under the sword for Jesus' name?

God may not call all of us as martyrs
but we can still die to ourselves each day,
loving God and loving others.

Good news.. and bad news

Thank you to those who prayed for my ankle. We didn't get back from the hospital until 2:45AM this morning but thankfully the ankle was not broken. The X-ray revealed that my injury was a very bad sprain. I've probably had my ankle sprained about 6 times last year and this fall turned out to be a blessing because the doctors found a cyst on my ankle bone as a result of it. The cyst is benign but could have been the cause of many sprains last year. I fell when one of the girls kicked my ankle by accident and I rolled on it afterwards from the impact. I instantly collapsed in pain. I've sprained my ankle many times before but this time the paramedic on site thought it was broken because it could not put any weight on it, could not move it and the entire foot was swollen and bruised. The nurse recommended 6-8 weeks of rest and I am trying to decide whether I should continue to work at Promise Camp. After this week, there will be one more week left and I feel that it is pointless to remain here resting on bed. I've been hobbling around on crutches and haven't had much interactions with my campers. It's been a blessing, however, being surrounded by my Christian brothers and sisters who show so much concern and love. I was also touched by my campers who ran up to me this morning and told me they prayed for me. Precious children... it is amazing how I've gotten to love the youth even more than I did before since I've been at Promise Camp. Another blessing is that Family Guidance offers Workers' Compensation so all my days of rest and medical expenses have been covered by the organization. Thank you, Lord. We really do live in a truly blessed country. Can you imagine something like this existing in Russia or China?

Please pray as I make a decision on whether to stay at Promise Camp or go home. I want to say that I am sold out for staying here at Promise Camp and finishing my work but I do have some doubt as to how God will use me on a badly sprained ankle. But if he does have a plan for me, I would like to stay. Please keep me in your prayers as I try to make the right decision.

In the meantime, the directors children David and Jozhua have been absolutely delightful. I feel so much better when they make me laugh and give me kisses on the cheek! They were also doing imitations of Michael Jackson to make me laugh. Oh, I love them!

A quick post

Please pray for my (hopefully not) broken ankle! I will update more later.. we are heading to the hospital now..