Not About Me.

It has been a while since God has taught me that to live effectively for His kingdom, I must die to myself. This has been a hard lesson for me to swallow as all my life I have been selfish. I still disgust myself by my own selfishness. I can remember the days when I could spend $200 myself without giving it any thought. I didn't matter that my parents were working hard to pay for my tuition in college or that my brother needed a new pair of shoes. My paycheck was mine and I spent it however way I wanted. My selfish nature didn't only affect my spending pattern either. My thoughts were about myself and my time was about working for my own glory and agenda.

God has been gentle in draining the selfish poison out of me. He didn't convict my heart all at once to show me how some things in my life were displeasing to him. Slowly, he convicted little things, patterns, behaviors and thoughts that were centered on me. Looking back, I can't imagine how I lived the way I had when my life was all about me. I don't want to go back to the things that I thought defined me.

This week, God showed me that He wasn't done with me just yet. After boldly thinking that giving money, time and energy to Him and His people was a enough selfless act to please Him, God still pointed out more things I was holding onto for myself and deriving joy from. After allowing me to badly sprain my ankle and rely on crutches for moving, and allowing a stomach virus that made me hungry, sick and depressed, God showed me I'm still far from perfect when it comes to taking up my cross. I still loved my health more than God and received joy from taking care of MYSELF and not the things of His kingdom.

How does one rejoice even when his or health is gone? How can I still perform the duties that God has assigned me when physical discomfort overwhelms me?

Like I mentioned in my last post, I'm ashamed at my negative attitude and sorrow I had about staying at Promise Camp. As I sought God's will, it became clear that He wanted me to stay and persevere at Promise Camp with a badly sprained ankle and a stomach virus. By His grace, I made it through the week but not with a great attitude.

God did use me despite my broken ankle to share my testimony to the whole camp, use me as a personal example in Bible study and minister to the girls as they broke down in experiencing God's love. On Thursday, the camp director invited one male and female counselors share their testimonies with the entire camp. My heart started pounding as I felt God saying, "Go tell your story." As I hopped over to the stage on my crutches, I felt extremely nervous yet strangely peaceful. God gave me the perfect words to say although I had not prepared for the testimony at all.

I told the camp that growing up I battled with insecurity. Instead of believing God, I believed in my looks. Instead of relying on God, I relied on my looks. I thought that looking great was a way to a man's heart. I think every woman asks the question of "Am I beautiful?" and that is normal. For me, though, the question possessed me. Growing up, I always wanted my father to notice me and to tell me that I was beautiful. He never affirmed this to me which left me heartbroken. The summer before I entered college, I fell into a severe eating disorder which almost killed me. Instead of sending me to a hospital, God sent me mentors, friends, and on a mission trip to Vietnam to finally convince me that I should not focus so much on myself. I slowly overcame my eating disorder and can say that He has freed me from this disease. God, in His love, told me that "The LORD does not look at the things that man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." (1 Samuel 16:7)

When I accepted my position at Promise Camp, I shared my testimony with the director not knowing at the time that the theme of the Camp was "Are you a 10?" "Are you a 10?" refers to the scale of physical beauty we use to rate others. We may say "she's a 6" or "he's a 4" depending on the person's level of attractiveness. The theme of this Camp is 1 Samuel 16:7 and that God does not care for the world's scale of 1-10. Instead, when we accept Jesus into our hearts, Jesus makes us a 10 by making our weaknesses strength when we abide by His words.

My testimony tied together with the camp theme. And at the conclusion of my testimony, I looked at the girls side of the camp and addressed them. "Girls, I know that in life there will be a time when you think looks is everything. But a man will not fall in love with you for your looks. A true man of God will see that you have a heart for Jesus and that is why he should come to treasure and cherish you."

It's amazing how God has used my testimony on eating disorder and insecurity to touch the lives of so many girls so far. I know that during week 1, I shared my testimony to my cabin and one of my girls told me that she had struggled with the disorder because someone called her fat. Or after my testimony was over, one of my girls, Savanna, told me that she had struggled with a similar experience.

Another way God used me on my crutches was through our cabin Bible study. In studying Hebrews 11, my junior counselor and I reminded our girls that in life God will test our faith and tell us to do something that may seem crazy to us at the time. When we stick with it, He will honor our obedience and bless us. I got to use my own personal example in the Bible study as I told my girls that my family and some of the counselors believed that it was absurd I would stay at Promise Camp even though I was on crutches. But I believed that God was calling me to stay and I obeyed although I desired to go home myself. The girls looked at me intently and I could see that they were thinking. I hope that through seeing my examples, the girls were inspired to live out their faith in the inner-city where they may be called fools for believing in God.

The third amazing thing that happened this week was how our camp director called the counselors to pray with our cabin after one worship service. We gathered together in a circle and I asked that God will show these girls right now how much He loved them. I prayed that God will touch them with His love. As I prayed this and for their lives individually, two of my girls started shaking and crying. My junior counselor and I also started crying as well. We couldn't deny that God was working in this place and in the hearts of my girls.

God did use me in a mighty way this week despite my sprained ankle. I cannot lie and say that I have been rejoicing despite my state in doing God's ministry. But as my brother kindly reminded me over a text message: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds" (James 1:2).

In the end, contentment and peace resides in the fact that it is not about me. It's true that God is shaping me as His vessel at this camp, this experience this summer has been all about these children and how their lives were touched. Anything that hinders my hard-laboring for these children is a distraction. Any discontentment that takes root in my heart because of how MY needs were not met is just.. so selfish.

So this entry was sort of a confession/repentance. To be sure, God did use me this week in a mighty way, but also convicted me of my stubborn selfishness in my heart.

Father, it is not my good health that brings joy and contentment. Although these are blessings in my life, I will still praise your name even when these are taken away from me. Let your name be glorified through my life! May I have a heart to REJOICE in persecution, trials and testing of my faith. Thank you that you love me enough to sustain me through these periods in my life. I love you.